October 7th, 2009 / No Comments » / by steve_walton
All right, kids, I’ve dealt with enough real monsters in my time, so now, in honor of the upcoming Halloween, I’d like to focus for a moment on some fictional monsters. Specifically, I refer to zombies and vampires. Both have experienced a recent surge in popularity. But the most important question of all remains: who would win in a fight?
The answer, sad to say, is simple: zombies.
No, no, I’m not a huge zombie fan. I like zombie movies well enough, but in theory, vampires are way cooler. I mean, come on, they’re powerful supernatural monsters that can shapeshift into animals, horrible monsters, or even mist; suck blood from mortals, seduce women at the drop of a hat and still leave entire quaint European villages in a state of constant terror, right?
But here’s the problem. Vampires have changed.
Vampires WERE powerful supernatural monsters that could shapeshift, suck blood from mortals, seduce women at the drop of a hat and still leave entire quaint European villages in a state of constant terror. But thanks to Anne Rice and her ilk, they’ve become a bunch of mopey emo wimps. Or, worse yet, mopey emo wimps that glitter and sparkle. I mean… really?
Now look at zombies. They started off as random suckers who were poisoned by voodoo practitioners until they became braindead slaves. But over time, like vampires, the zombies changed, and became horrific, flesh-eating, nearly unstoppable killing machines. Or, worse yet, horrific, flesh-eating, nearly unstoppable killing machines that can outrun you.
Back in the day, it’d be vampires, hands down. But now? Now, alas, I’d put my money on the zombies. They may not be smart but they don’t spend all their free time putting on eyeliner, sighing, and worrying about hierarchies. No, they just smash, kill, eat, destroy, eat.
Posted in: Everything Else Under the Sky
August 2nd, 2009 / No Comments » / by steve_walton
Just a little something I stumbled on the other day, thought I’d share it with the interwebs.
Ingredients!
Cinnamon graham crackers
Strawberry marshmallows
That super-fancy 60-70% cocoa dark chocolate
Yeah, just put ‘em together like a regular s’more - one graham on the bottom, square of dark chocolate, strawberry marshmallow (rip it in half and place the two halves side by side on top of the chocolate for better results) then another graham, stick in the the microwave and nuke it for 10-15 seconds, and BOOM! Greatest s’more I ever had. Hooray!
Posted in: Everything Else Under the Sky
July 30th, 2009 / No Comments » / by steve_walton
This weather we’ve been having out here in the midwest has been nothing short of fantastic. Sunny, breezy, 70s? Nice.
So there I was, nerding it up and the Ren Faire, when low and behold, who should I see but a strung-out looking fellow in a flashy yellow cape? Yes, it was the Squirrel Guy again, only this time, he was decked out in some full blown leather armor, complete with… ahem… codpiece. Of course the armor was blood red with black highlites, a perfect match for a shiny canary yellow cape if ever I’ve seen one. Had those glove-armor things with the giant dragon fingernails and everything. Go figure.
So being the jerk that I am, I whipped out my Pentax K10D and began screaming incoherently about the squirrels inside. This caught his attention; being the Ren Faire and all, nobody else really paid any attention.
“YES!” he screamed, until his wild eyes finally focussed on me. Then he backpedaled on the ol’ enthusiasm.
“Oh. It’s… you.”
“Yeah, Capey, it’s me. So, saved the squirrels from the monsters yet?”
Now, to be honest, I have no clue why I was being such a jerk to this guy. I mean, I love squirrels, and heck, I should know better than anyone that monsters exist and could pose a legitimate threat to the squirrels around here. But there was just something about his manner… something… dangerous?
“You dastard!” he snapped, whirling away and storming off with a mighty cape-flapping that probably would’ve looked really dramatic and badass in slow motion.
“Aw, come on,” I said. “No, really, what’s the deal with the monsters? I’ve seen them, you know.” Now I was feeling reconciliatory, mostly due the the extreme hurtfulness of being called a dastard.
He spun about once more, then snarled - yes, snarled - something along the lines of “Don’t mock me! I’ll destroy the monsters and become King of the Squirrel Land!”
I rolled my eyes as he stormed off. This sort of random exclamation would typically seem at home at the Ren Faire, but I’d seen him do it out in the ‘real world’ too, so… what can I say? I just wasn’t sure what to think.
Anyway, I was considering using my newfound leatherworking skills to make myself some leather armor, though aiming for functionality rather than appearance. After all the things I’ve been through, a little extra protection could always come in handy. Possibly a leather vest, too, though that one would be purely for aesthetic purposes. Cuz leather vests are hawt, yo.
Posted in: Everything Else Under the Sky
July 14th, 2009 / No Comments » / by steve_walton
Hey kids, sorry for the lack of updates lately, mostly it’s the ol’ job making my life full of hilariously unecessary stress. But hey, it happens, right? Anyway, in order to supplement the ol’ income, I’m selling stuff I make on this ol’ Etsy site. There’s not a huge selection on there now but expect to see more in the future!
Click! Click me! Click me and buy stuff made by your hero and inspiration!
Posted in: Everything Else Under the Sky
May 13th, 2009 / No Comments » / by steve_walton
This morning I was feeling an intense craving for sweet potatoes, so being the logical fella that I am, I decided to head over to the store and pick some up. I know, I know. You, dear reader, are absolutely STAGGERED by my genius. That’s okay, sometimes I am too. Ha!
Anyway, I ended up in a grocery store that has a little photo processing kiosk thingy. And there, at the photo processing kiosk thing, was a rather strung-out looking guy in… get this… a shiny canary-yellow cape. That’s right. A cape. Over his T-shirt and jeans. I couldn’t decide if that was freakin’ awesome or just really damn weird. But oh, it didn’t even end there! When I happened to stroll on pass, the guy seemed to be… well, mid-freakout. Eyes bulging, body twitching, profuse sweating… all the good stuff in one convenient package. He was leaning over the counter, ever so slightly threatening, and ranting through gritted teeth.
“Don’t you understand? There’s squirrels on there. SQUIRRELS!”
Judging by the tone of his voice, I was frankly kind of surprised he hadn’t grabbed the poor girl behind the counter and started shaking her by the lapels. I mean, this dude was seriously off his nut, and not because of the happy yellow cape.
And speaking of nuts, what was all this about squirrels? Was he on about squirrel photos? Or did he believe squirrels were actually running around inside his camera? Curious, I decided to hang around a nearby display and take a gander at some stuff that I wasn’t really interested. You see, I was listening in. Ooh, brilliant!
“I’m sorry, sir, if you’ll just give-”
The employee attempted an explanation but the dude was too far out of it to care, like 4/5 of all retail customers. The squirrel guy stepped back, cape flaring dramatically in the flourescent light, and he hissed. No, really, this isn’t a metaphorical thing, the dude actually bared his teeth and hissed at the girl. I was getting a little freaked out by his behavior so I stepped over to the counter, cleverly pretending to be a fellow photo-booth customer. And being the impulsive jerk that I am, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
“Hey Capey, what’s the deal with the squirrels?”
At this point he just kind of froze, mid-crazy-gesture, and slowly turned to look at me, eyes bulging. Very cartoony, and despite the situation, strangely awesome, especially coming from a guy in a cape. But anyway, the photo gal gave me this look like she wasn’t sure if I was helping or trying to speed the fuse on the dynamite.
“The squirrels!” At this point, he was sounding almost… desperate? “I have to save the squirrels from the monsters!”
“Right,” I said, throwing the photo gal a quick look. “Why not go save them outside?”
At this point, he just froze and stared at me, mouth slightly agape, for a few minutes. Seriously. I was about to check my watch, all exaggerated, possibly while sighing and tapping my feet, when he finally responded.
“Brilliant!”
And with that word, and a swirl of cape, he was gone.
Now what in tarnation was THAT all about…?
Posted in: Everything Else Under the Sky
